I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
