It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
