dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
it's like heaven, but drunker
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
