I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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