There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
