Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
