I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
