I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
