I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
