She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
