Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
They are going to name an STD after you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
