Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
