I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
