Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
