yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
