Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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