my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
