I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
