We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just googled if crying burns calories
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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