According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
