I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
