You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
