Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
