Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
