I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
