I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
