So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
