woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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