He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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