why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what day is it and did you see me today?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
