You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
