eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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