I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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