I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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