and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
