You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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