Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
