I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
