So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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