...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
