Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
