It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
