i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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