My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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