hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
