you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
