They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
