I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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