I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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