Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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